On The Flip Side
by Shellback
Summary: It's finally finished! An indepth look into how the characters think and cope after the grueling mind rape.
1. With No One to Talk to

On The Flip Side, With No One to Talk To  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion, all rights belong and are in the hands of the Gainax anime production company as well as Anno. Strictly writing this for the sake of something to do and to test my skills as a writer, no profit is to be gained from writing or publishing this fiction on any public or private internet site.  
  
  
  
It was eerily quite in the depths of NERV's third branch. The cages were silent, not a word could be heard. Central Dogma was alive, lights of all shapes and sizes danced around the screens of computer monitors which were accompanied by the few who worked them. Down in the infirmary, laid out on a bed, was Shinji Ikari all locked away in his head. He lay dreaming dreams that were his own and none else's. By his side stood a scowling figure, the name to that figure was that of Asuka Langley Sohryu. "I could have destroyed that angel easily if you hadn't interfered." She cursed him to no avail, he didn't move, nor stir.  
  
"Baka! Just because things look grim on the battle filed doesn't give you the right to interfere!" Asuka half yelled, leaning over the boy with her right fist drawn. "Fool, now look what you've done. You've given everyone a big scare and you're probably laughing it up in that stupid head of yours." Her words drifted off as she sat back down in her chair with a saddened sigh. "At least you're not dead. leaving me to do all the work, what kind of person are you? It doesn't matter. you're just as good as dead anyway, you can't do a thing like this." Asuka quieted down to just a whisper, if the dark, shadow drawn room hadn't been so silent, she herself would not have even heard it.  
  
Asuka thought back to the earlier events of the day. What the angel had done to her, what it had almost had done to her, what it could have done to her. The thought of the angel inside her mind, opening up her painful past brought back memories of what the angel had unfolded, and the memories flooded back into her mind. Asuka clasped her hands around her face as tears slowly welled in her eyes. She clutched her head as she began to relive that horrible day when she lost the only thing she loved.  
  
The body, hanging from the ceiling as it gently swayed from one side to the other. Asuka stood in the corner of an imaginary room in complete darkness where the shining red light could not reach her. She was undeserving of its' warmth. Asuka watched as her former self, burst into the room filled with happiness that she had been picked for something great. Asuka watched on as the little girl came to a stop right before the body, the face of the body being her mothers own. A thin stream of red flowed from the lips of the hanged woman, the drips and the drops fell onto a small child's toy.  
  
The doll baring slight resemblance to the little girl who now had tears flowing from her eyes. The dolls right arm was saturated in blood, as were the eyes that fashioned splotches of red, almost like the doll was crying tears of blood. Asuka stood in the corner, horrified at the sight, which fell before her. She had promised herself never to remember this horrible memory again. She tried to block it out, but it wouldn't work, she tried to close her eyes but she looked on anyway. 'No! I won't have it! This is just a dream, nothing but a stupid memory!' She cried inwardly as the little girl approached the doll.  
  
The girl picked up the doll, she paid no heed to the drops of blood that fell onto her soft, tiny hand. In the corner watched a scared fourteen- year-old girl, she could barely hold back the tears, which pleaded and begged her to free them. 'I won't cry. I'll never cry! I'll be strong, I don't need anybody, and I don't need their help either.' Said the little girl, slowly increasing her grip on the doll, forcing its' head back with the applied pressure. 'Never will I be like you Mama, where you were weak. I'll be strong.' The little girl let the doll fall from her grasp, as it hit the floor she turned her head and looked over to Asuka. The girl stared at Asuka for what seemed like hours, her gaze Asuka felt she had been turned to stone by it. The girls' body turned and she walked towards the shocked Asuka standing, trembling in the corner.  
  
The little girl's body twisted and contorted as it walked towards Asuka, becoming taller, thinner, it had shorter hair and took on a look familiar to her. The form that stood not two feet away was shadowed completely except for the eyes. Those deep, penetrating blue eyes were locked onto Asuka's, they almost glowed as she felt her mind was breaking down. 'Shinji? What have I become? I'm so alone, nobody cares.' Asuka pleaded, she felt alone, though there was someone with her.  
  
'You are only as alone as you make yourself out to be Asuka. I have always been here. Misato has always been here, Rei has always been here, and Hikari has always been here. We all care for each other but are afraid to express our emotions, much like you are.' As he sounded out each of the names, the bodies for which they belonged to appeared in the room. Shinji was there; he wore his plug suit and had a sorrowful look on his face. Misato was there, she had on her NERV uniform and wore a serious look, her hard eyes intimidating the now shaking Asuka. Rei was there, dressed in her plug suit, emotionless, as she had always seen her. Hikari was there, dressed in her school uniform; a big smile was spread across her face, those friendly inviting eyes, soothing away some of her fears.  
  
Asuka snapped back to reality, she was covered in a cold sweat. Her breathing was heavy and deep, she looked over to the boy beside her. He wore the same face as she had seen just moments before. "I don't want to be alone, not when all of you are here." Asuka got up and stared down onto her fellow pilot. She sat on the side of his bed, she felt the urge to take his hand inside her own, to feel his warmth, to know he was really there and not just an image in her mind.  
  
She watched his face, an hour passed as she kept her gaze on him. In that time four tears had fallen from his closed eyes, and twice had he called out for someone to be with him. 'He doesn't even know I'm here.' Asuka thought turning her next action over in her mind being completely sure she could do it. After a few more moments of debating she leaned close to Shinji's face. "I'm with you Shinji, as long as I'm here you won't be alone." She trailed off falling a bit closer to his face, exhausted from the days happenings.  
  
A small smile crept its' way across Shinji's face. It wasn't a smile of happiness; it showed relief and thankfulness, like that, which one gets when a heavy burden has been lifted from their shoulders. "Thank you." His voice was soft as a feather, Asuka's eyes snapped all the way open as she leaned backwards into a sitting position.  
  
Shinji's eyes were only open as slits, though Asuka could still make out the blue of his eyes. "No one likes to be alone." His voice was louder this time, but as he said this he quickly drifted back off into his previous unconscious state of being.  
  
Asuka smiled warmly, she didn't know why at first and she tried to hide it. She then found her reason and smiled even brighter. She would never be alone, she had Shinji, and Shinji had her. They would never be alone for they had each other. And both would do everything in their power to keep the other from harm.  
  
Asuka stood up and weakly stretched her legs and arms. She turned for the door and walked over to it taking the handle into her palm. She turned it until it opened, she looked back just in time to catch a glimpse of something she had missed completely. A single rose stood atop the table beside Shinji's bed. Asuka smiled warmly at the rose, she didn't know why but as she gazed at the object she felt more at ease with the world. The room became black, the rose emanated a light like she had never seen. She saw Shinji in his bed, the light from the rose spilling out onto him, her eyes became heavy and closed. She collapsed onto the floor and blacked out.  
  
  
  
A.N.: This fic takes place after the attack from the fifteenth angel Arael. This is just a "What if" fic that I thought up of that might have happened if Shinji disobeyed orders and went up to try and help Asuka getting caught himself in the onslaught of the angels psychic assault. Some things were changed so if you don't like things to stray from the original story line don't bother reading though they only to help the effect which I am trying to give. If there is some rhyming I apologize, we just finished reading some of Shakespeare's plays in school and they're still fresh in my head. 


	2. With Something to Think About

On The Flip Side, With Something to Think About  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion, all rights belong and are in the hands of the Gainax anime production company as well as Anno. Strictly writing this for the sake of something to do and to test my skills as a writer, no profit is to be gained from writing or publishing this fiction on any public or private internet site.  
  
  
  
The door opened out into the hall, making a low squealing sound as it stopped halfway open. Misato stood in Central Dogma waiting to be relieved. She was studying the events that led to the fifteenths demise. 'A mental attack. that's the last thing we need. Angels turning our pilots mentality into a simple plaything, or worse. What if she turned against us? We might not have been able to stop her. Shinji. Damn you Shinji, you knew the risk yet you went anyway! Heroics are for heroes, but even heroes know when to retreat. What would we have done if you had gone against us? Not even Asuka would be able to stop you.' Misato lowered her head and tightened her fist till it ached. She clenched her teeth, subconsciously holding her breath at the same time. After a few silent moments of racking her mind over things she had little control over, she released her fist. Mentally collapsing within her own mind she exhaled her breath and began taking in oxygen at a heavy pace, then slowing to a normal one.  
  
Misato could hear the mild tap of heals against the solid floor, as a voice called from not to far behind her, "Major I've come to relieve you, you may go." Said a concerned Dr. Akagi, she knew of her friends' bad habit of over worrying herself, but it was her job. The children were her responsibility. and hers alone.  
  
Misato stayed silent for a few seconds longer, not bothering to move. She raised her head slowly making contact with the main screen once again. Misato turned around to face her friend with a blank expression, though it carried with it a look of sadness, but she took her appearance in stride. Dr. Akagi smiled halfheartedly at her to try and take some of the weight off her shoulders, it didn't help any but that was to be expected. She knew Misato didn't like it when others offered help into her personal life, but she had to chance it for her own good. Misato began walking towards the doctor her eyes never straying from her destination. Dr. Akagi frowned as her good friend walked from the room, she knew all to well where she would go.  
  
You should have stopped him. Came a voice from inside Misato's head. You care for him yet you stray from helping him in any way.  
  
'I told him not to go, there was nothing I could do to stop him. I care for him because no one else will.' she replied mentally, giving a tear a chance to see the light of day, or the light with which the elevator brought.  
  
So you do not care for him, you only pity those who you think need pity. You give pity but slap it away when offered. Pity is a form of help that caring people give when another is in need. But to give pity you need to receive it just the same, you see only one side of the river and neglect to even glance at the other for fear of what is on the other side.  
  
'I care for him because he needs something. someone to hold onto. I don't need the help of others. I'm strong. I don't need pity when so much depends on the things I decide. Life is fragile, and I'm carrying to heavy a load to be gentle with it.' Misato slouched a bit like her words had some effect on the gravity in the small room.  
  
You are confusing your ability to care, and to give pity. Yes he is very unstable, but so is Asuka, yet you give neither pity nor help to her. Shinji is afraid to become close for his fear of being hurt, Asuka shows the same traits but in another manner.  
  
Misato's eyes widened, she didn't know where this was coming from. She was finally coming to the realization that she had put everything into one person she cared for the most, and completely neglected another. How could she have been so blind to see this? Misato began to feel even worse than before, she had pushed Asuka into an emotion corner not even bothering to offer assistance.  
  
So why only Shinji? Why not offer help to Asuka, for it is quite obvious she needs support.  
  
'I can't. she is strong, she can handle herself. just like I can.'  
  
1 You are on the verge of tears! How can you compare another's mental stability when your own is teetering on the brink of destruction? There's something more to this Misato, something you need to tell me, yourself and come to face.  
  
'I. I care for her. But she acts so strong and she refuses help from others.'  
  
Shinji refuses help from everyone yet you protest his will and help him further! You're lying to yourself Misato, open up your heart. Release your pain. Secrets you do not wish to share are killing you from within. Admit to yourself what you have been running from, accept it, and learn to live with it. For if you don't an early grave awaits you.  
  
'She reminds me of myself. Independent, strong willed, yet full of hatred and sorrow. We are the same and that's what scares me. I am afraid of myself. and so I am afraid of her. I don't offer help because I do not receive it. I am a hypocrite, I encourage others to become close but I refuse to get close myself.'  
  
So you are also afraid of getting close, that's why you broke everything off with Kaji isn't it? It wasn't because he was too much like you father, if that were the case then you might have stayed together. You were in fear of being hurt by him, like you were by your father.  
  
Misato couldn't bare it any longer. She began to cry in the elevator, tears she had kept dormant now were being released apon the earth like a flood. She took her head in her arms and lowered herself to the floor. She sobbed uncontrollably until she reached her destinations' floor and the elevator stopped. She stayed in the elevator for some time, her crying went from sobs, to light sniffling and then ceased. She sat on the floor with her legs tucked beside her, visions of Second Impact flooded through her head as she fought back yet more tears. She saw her father placing her gently into the pod, the explosion, waking up to see her entire past go up like the giant wings that extended into the heavens. She saw herself taking hold of her cross, it was covered in blood. her fathers blood. The girl in her mind began to cry as she held the cross to her face like it was the embodiment of her father. She remembered the many times she had hated him for his work, for his look, for what he did to her. She also remembered all the pleasant times she and her father had spent together. When she really thought about it, her father had done more good than bad in her life than she had come to believe. She loved her father, now more than ever and wished he could have been with her in her time of need. 'Kaji? I need you, I'm sorry I pushed you away. out of my life.' Still she sat in the elevator, waiting as if for some queue to leave. Her eyes closed just to the point where her vision was blurred, "Hedgehog's dilemma. we are all caught in its' web. I need you." as she finished off her sentence, she stood up and wiped her face dry of her tears.  
  
The door opened to the elevator and she stepped out. She hung her head low, fearing the sight of the boy she loved like her own family. As she walked the only thing she could see were her feet. One taking another step in front of the other, the repetitive action made her feel slightly more at ease.  
  
She pondered what she would say to him once she arrived. Would he hear her, if he did would he wake up, or would he not hear her and stay motionless, like death had already visited him. before she could say goodbye. Goodbye, that was something she never wanted to have to say to either of her roommates. They meant far too much to her now than ever before. She wanted to help them by any and all means open to her. She felt as though she would go against orders for them just to make sure they were all right.  
  
She walked passed various people and doors before she came to a door that was half-open. She could see a hand turned palm up and as she moved closer found to whom the hand had belonged to. Her eyes doubled their size as she leapt for the girl on the floor. "Asuka? Asuka?! Nurse? Someone get a nurse, NOW!" Misato yelled at the top of her lungs as she cradled the girl in her arms, hoping, praying she was okay. She looked back at Shinji who lay in his bed, in the dark room they had placed him in. A rose was set gently in a glass vase on the table beside him. In Misato's eyes it seemed like the only thing alive in the room, the flower almost glowed in its' magnificence. To her it appeared to be a guiding light, to help the boy through the darkness of his mind and into the light of the world.  
  
A.N.: Well I hope you like this newer version of this chapter seeing as someone who shall remain nameless wouldn't let me leave this chapter without going back over it. Hope you liked it and the next chapter should be up before the holidays are over. I hate it when I get writers' block, can't write a damn thing! 


	3. With Thoughts I do not Wish to Think

On The Flip Side, With Thoughts I Do Not Wish To think  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion, all rights belong and are in the hands of the Gainax anime production company as well as Anno. Strictly writing this for the sake of something to do and to test my skills as a writer, no profit is to be gained from writing or publishing this fiction on any public or private internet site.  
  
Minutes - which seemed like hours to Misato - passed by. She turned her attention back to the girl in her arms, "Just hang in there Asuka, help's coming." Misato spoke to Asuka in rushed whisper as she brushed away some of the stray fibers of the girls hair.  
  
Seconds later two nurses accompanied by a doctor and a gurney arrived. "How long has she been out Major?" The doctor said coolly kneeling down to take Asuka's pulse. "Good she still has a pulse, I think she's just fainted but we need to get her some proper help. Miss Katsuragi do you know how long she's been out?" This time the doctor asked his question again with an annoyed and angry tone. If this girl was in any danger he had to know the details.  
  
"I-I don't know. I was on my way to see Shinji and I found her lying on the floor." Misato said in a shaky voice as the two nurses lifted Asuka up and laid her on the bed.  
  
"Thank you Major. I'll update you on the pilots condition as soon as I can." The doctor said, helping one of the nurses wheel her to another room.  
  
The nurse that was left stood in the doorway looking at Misato with sad eyes as she rocked back and forth. As she looked at the woman still rocking on the floor, her eyes filled with pity. "Why won't this nightmare ever end? These kids have been through so much, and so has their guardian…" Her hushed voice trailed off as she cautiously entered the room closing the door behind her.  
  
The nurse kneeled down beside Misato. "Major? Are you going to be all right? I can call a taxi if you'd like?" Said the nurse in a reassuring tone.  
  
"No. I came to see Shinji, I need to be with him." Misato stated as the nurse put a hand on her shoulder.  
  
"Here, I'll help you up. I just need to check his board then I'll give you some time alone." The nurse said soothingly as she prepared to help the distraught Major into a standing position.  
  
The nurses words startled Misato, 'I'll help you…' Misato stayed motionless for a while just staring into space. The first step is always hardest when first learning to walk, only now you have someone to help you up… Still Misato stayed still, not knowing fully how to react to such simple yet such high impacting words. She thought to herself of the most recent event: Asuka lying unconscious, helpless. Misato had helped her, and now she needed help herself.  
  
She took the nurses steady hand in her own shaking one and was helped to her feet. Misato smiled at the nurse, who graciously returned the smile and guided her over to a chair beside the bed, beside the rose. The nurse went over to the end of the bed and retrieved the board from the hook. She gave a light smile and placed the board back onto the hook then made her way out the door, closing it ever so softly.  
  
Misato stared at the rose for what seemed like an eternity. It seemed as if when she allowed the nurse to help her it grew brighter than before. She turned her head to face the object that she had been worrying over for the past twelve hours. "At least you're alive… but the cost of life seems so great, how could someone so fragile be so strong? I miss you Shinji, Asuka misses you. Though she will never admit it… she does."  
  
Tears began to well up in Misato's eyes as she spoke. She didn't want to cry anymore but she didn't know if she could hold them back. She took Shinji's hand into her own and held on for all she was worth. She didn't want him to go, to die, or to leave her. She loved him too much for it all to be over. "I'm here for you Shinji. As I am for Asuka. I know now that I should be more open with you both. I'm doing my best, I hope you can see that sweet Shinji…" her voice trailed off as her tears were once again flowing from her eyes. She didn't care if he saw her, she wanted him to know she was as human as he was.  
  
*^*^*  
  
Shinji sat in an unknown place; he was leaning up against a corner, knees tucked tightly to his chest. On the other side of him was just a blank open area, a void with no end his visage could ascertain. The last thing the boy remembered was the saddened face of his roommate Asuka. He began to sob quietly while sitting on the imaginary floor. Flashes of his mother danced through his head, he hadn't been thinking of her but they came all the while. This made Shinji feel all the more alone, very alone as he cried openly to no one. Seeing his mother only reminded him of his pain and his problems. Tears ran freely from his eyes and soaked into his hands that were covering his face. 'Shinji no! It's too dangerous!' yelled the faint and distorted voice of Misato.  
  
"I didn't care… I had to help Asuka…" Shinji retorted, recovering somewhat from his sadness.  
  
"You went against orders! You are too careless to be a pilot." Said the voice of his father as it echoed continuously through the vast open space.  
  
"Baka! I could have defeated it all by myself if you hadn't interfered!" Asuka's voice rang canceling out the other voice.  
  
Shinji couldn't reply, not even the one person who he had helped wanted him to do what he did. "I'm… sorry." Shinji whispered through tear drenched hands.  
  
When Shinji had stopped crying he looked up and found himself face to face with Unit 01. Shocked beyond comprehension he stumbled to his feet. Shinji found he couldn't run, he was backed into a corner and the only way out was through the Eva. Suddenly, out of nowhere the hand of Unit 01 lashed out at him, but before Shinji knew what was going on the Eva had a tight grasp on his body. Shinji began screaming for all he was worth. As he struggled to get free the Eva's eyes began to illuminate brighter and brighter. Its' eyes became so bright they eventually whited out everything.  
  
Shinji found himself in a dark, quite poorly lit room. He was surrounded by numerous shadowed figures that chatted about one another in a way that Shinji could not make out. He tried to approach them but every time he tried they would move away from him. Shinji had given up on trying to reach them. He started asking who they were and what they wanted. Every time he asked no answer would be given, only mindless, unconceivable chatter filled the air.  
  
Slowly the noise became silence. Their jumbled banter became low and inaudible. The first stepped forward, coming face to face with the terrified boy. The light, which the beings seemed to fear now, drew itself upon the first to reveal Misato Katsuragi. "Misato-san? Where am I? Please say something!" Shinji began screaming at the embodiment of his guardian.  
  
Misato just stood there, her eyes were not even on the boy who desperately needed to hear her voice. She looked passed him like she was completely void of the boys presence. "Welcome home Shinji…"  
  
As she said that Misato dissolved into the air. Now alone, Shinji is tried to figure out what has just happened. Another figure stepped forward; it was his father. Shinji became weak in the knees for a moment and tried to recompose himself. "I have a need for you…" Gendo spoke vanishing like the last.  
  
The next to step out was Rei, she stared at him for hours… never moving an inch. She then did something Shinji had only seen her do once before; she smiled. Then was gone in a cloud of vapor. Shinji felt overwhelmed by the images before him, but knew he needed to go through the rest.  
  
From the shadows appeared Touji and Kensuke. They seemed to acknowledge his presence, but only slightly. They smiled at Shinji, "We're your friends Shinji, remember that…" Touji spoke and soon blew away like sand in a desert.  
  
"He's right you know, it's cool having you for a friend… it's a bonus that you're a pilot." Kensuke said melting away into the floor.  
  
The figures had all but dwindled down to the last pair. The shadow on the right stepped out to reveal Asuka in her plug suit. Shinji's mind played over the last attack and how she had screamed for it to stop. The same look of terror crossed her faced and when he noticed it he forgot about the event and turned his attention to her. The expression passed and Shinji tried to get closer only to have Asuka stay the same distance away. Another thought passed Shinji's mind, one of Asuka smiling. Not one of her self-indulgent smiles but a warm, almost caring smile. Shinji kept the thought in his mind but the smile was soon washed away. "Nobody wants to be alone… I need you…" were her words as she dissolved in front of him.  
  
Shinji began thinking about her words, 'She needs me? She doesn't need a worthless wimp like me…'  
  
Shinji closed his eyes and began to cry once more. His sense of self- loathing had overwhelmed him and he could not stop. So he stood there and cried, he cried until his eyes were red. He cried until he looked up and found himself face to face with Yui. "M-mother?" He managed to get out as she stepped forward and embraced her son.  
  
Shinji stood there unable to move. Never before had he been able to picture her so perfect in his mind. Slowly Shinji returned the embrace with all the love and strength he had. Time itself stopped for the moment they shared in each other's arms. "You are my son, that fact alone gives you more worth than you know. Be strong my dear son…" Yui whispered in his ear as she too faded away leaving the boy alone once again.  
  
So there he stood in the darkness, left to drown in his own thoughts. He savored being with his mother that one moment. What she said hit him harder than anything he'd ever experienced in his life. What the others said flashed through his mind giving him idol comfort. Again and again the images played and Shinji taking it all in knowing that he knew people cared.  
  
*^*^*  
  
"Major? I don't mean to disturb you but the second child is awake." A nurse said a little timidly.  
  
"How long has she been awake for?" Misato asked the topic catching her attention immediately.  
  
"About three days now. But she is acting strangely…" The nurses voice trailing off as she prepared for the verbal onslaught. The doctors had promised to keep Misato in the loop about the pilots, but ever since Asuka had woken up Misato had become more involved with work and they had been unable to make contact.  
  
"Three days? Why didn't you tell me sooner?" Misato's voice was hard and demanding of the answer she knew she deserved.  
  
"Well, we haven't been able to reach you. That and we can't seem to remove the second child from Shinji's room. She has been in there for nearly two and a half days."  
  
The angered Major grumbled and shoved past the nurse heading straight for the infirmary.  
  
*^*^*  
  
Down in the infirmary sat Asuka in the chair beside Shinji's bed. She was holding his hand and staring into his face. She hadn't eaten for days but the IV drip they had her on kept nutrients in her system. Even with the drip her face was pale and her strength had diminished almost entirely. Minutes later the handle of the door quietly turned and the door opened to reveal one Misato Katsuragi. "Asuka?" Her voice tensed up as she spoke.  
  
The girl didn't react to her name being said but simply mired the site before her. Slowly Misato walked over and put a hand on Asuka's shoulder. The door to the room creaked slowly shut and for almost a full minute the room was full of sound. When the door clicked shut the room once again fell victim to its deathly silence.  
  
Misato looked over to the night table, then to the rose. It had all but died, save one pedal which hung on as best it could. "The rose… it's almost gone." Asuka said turning her frail head to gaze at the single pedaled flower.  
  
In an almost slow motion sequence the pedal fell from the bud and onto the desk. A look of sadness crossed their faces as they turned back to boy.  
  
At that very moment both were filled with more hope than ever before as they were now looking at Shinji, who was looking back and smiling. "I'm happy we're together… and not alone." 


End file.
